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So true story, I was sitting at Tim Hortons on Easter morning when some girl walks in and asks the cashier for a blueberry muffin. The cashier responded with “we don’t have anymore.” The girl then turns to some guy and says “FML.” Yes, she said it in letters. It was bad enough that she use internet abbreviations in real life, but saying fuck my life at something that small is just stupid.

There is a website called “Fmylife.com” (yes, they don’t want to put FUCK in the domain name for some stupid reason. Anyways, Fuckmylife.com is filled with a bunch of bullshit stories about how their lives are a piece of shit. Most of these stories are boyfriend/girlfriend ones, and the rest are a bunch of other meaningless crap. Let’s look at some of them.

“I sent an email to my teacher saying my internet wasn’t working.” - Great job you idiot, your fault.
“My girlfriend started taking off my pants, then she said just kidding.” - And? How does this make your life suck?
“My online boyfriend turned out to be a 17 year old girl.” - Okay? Why didn’t you ever talk to them or go on webcam?

The point is none of this stuff actually makes your life suck. Oh something didn’t work out? Move on and accept it.  Unless something actually happened to fuck your life up, like getting in a car crash, or accidentally killing someone then you are pretty much good. From all the stories I read on FuckMyLife.com ALL of them are the persons fault. I’ve made an ass of myself tons of times. I don’t think my life sucks because of it.

I don’t understand FuckMyLife.com at all, is it a site where I laugh at other people or am supposed to feel sorry for them? Besides FuckMyLife.com I hear it a lot. “my parents won’t allow me to drink, fuck my life.” Buddy, you are not old enough to drink. THAT’S why your parents won’t let you. Stop complaining that your life sucks because you can’t drink. Find a new way to waste your time.

Fear not FuckMyLife.com supporters, here is my entry.

I was ordering a donut at Tim Hortons and I was looking at the donut while I was ordering it. There was one left, and I was in the front of the line. The person in the drive-thru got it before me and I was forced to order something else. So I was like “Shit, what should I get now?” I didn’t let it ruin my day, in fact I found a new flavour I liked.

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Cars have been around for a while right now. They’ve come a long way since the Ford Model Ts, hell who would have thought that we could one day actually go over 100km/h? This is not going to be a rant about the American auto industry. I bet you’re already tired of hearing about that. This rant is about Hybrid cars, and how they suck.

The first point is that owning a Hybrid car suddenly became a fashion statement. Buying a Hybrid now is like buying a Mac, people only do it for style points. Remember how getting a Corvette or something a while ago meant you have a small penis? Well it is kind of the same thing right now for Hybrid cars. So you have a Hybrid car? Good for you, I am sure that thing will be a pussy magnet, while YOU still won’t be.

The next point is the whole “I am helping the environment” aspect is total bullshit. What, you think that you are better than me because your car uses less gas? Suck my ass, at the end of the day nothing changed. The temperature is still the same, the environment hasn’t changed just because you bought a Hybrid. The only thing that has changed is the fact that you are acting like a total asshole believing you are superior than the rest of the world. Newsflash buddy, you are still driving a car. You have got to love the car companies. They have finally found a way to make money off you environmentalists. Feel happy that you are not using the earth’s precious oil? Try searching for some of the rare materials needed to make a hybrid.

I can go ahead and say this right now. Hybrid cars suck! Why do you think they don’t use them for racing or even for the police? Well, this might be shocking for you but it’s because they are slow and not powerful at all. Enjoy your shitty car. You environmentalists should just fuck off and walk to work because the bus, the subway, and even making your bike all takes up energy.

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Ah I love coffee, I could drink it every day for the rest of my life. Back when I went to US for a week my coffee addiction kicked the shit out of me. For you see, here in Canada we have a Tim Hortons at every street corner. It’s awesome, I pay 2 Canadian dollars and I get the largest coffee they have. I go to Starbucks and I have to fork out nearly 5 dollars. So I had a week off from coffee, and it wasn’t too pleasant.

Aside from Starbucks being expensive as fuck, there are other reasons why it sucks nut sacks: Macfags. Yes, it seems hipsters think sitting around in a coffee shop, on their Macs drinking coffee is so cool. There are usually clusters of them, at every Starbucks. So what do these Macfags do? They sit around drinking the same coffee for ever, talk about some book they probably never read, and listen to the strange Starbucks CDs to support “indie” artists. These hipsters also think they are doing some change in the world because “Starbucks doesn’t use slave labour.”  I don’t know if these people are trying to be mature by drinking coffee but I think they do. Here’s a tip: drinking coffee does not make you mature. Don’t believe me on this whole Macfaggotry at Starbucks deal? Apple teamed up with Starbucks to give iPod/iPhone users free WiFi.

Oh, I am not done complaining about Starbucks yet. I actually bought coffee from there once, I was treated with some of the worst service ever. I go there and I ask for a “Large Mocha” and the guy looks at me like I was fucking retarded. He guy didn’t know what I wanted. It later turned out that I should have said “grande cafe mocha.”  Oh, because that is a HUGE difference. I paid the 5 bucks and left the store.

Another point about Starbucks that drives me nuts is the whole “our coffee was not made by slaves.” I couldn’t care less how it was made. I just want to fucking drink it. Face it, Starbucks coffee is just more expensive because of the name. And just like Apple, they can get away with it because hipsters will still buy it. Starbucks makes a fortune selling hipsters coffee.

Now Tim Hortons? It has a different way of attracting people. There are specific groups that go to different Tim Hortons. There is a Tim Hortons that Ricers like to go to. There is a Tim Hortons Blacks like to go to and there is a Tim Hortons that factory workers like to go to. But still Tim Hortons has some of the best coffee, for some of the lowest prices.

So there you have it, Macfags buy anything that is labeled as “premium” and “unique.” By the way, here is the link to the whole Starbucks helps the community crap. http://www.starbucks.ca/en-ca/_Social+Responsibility/

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Forget talking on the phone, text messaging is the ultimate way of communication. I mean, who needs a phone anyways? It seems the youth is becoming less and less social. Now, before I get started I would like to state that I DO infact send text messages. But I usually send them when I am not free to talk. So if I am at work then you will probably never get a call from me. But because sending a text message is silent and it doesn’t bother anyone, I will send one. That circumstance is the only time people should be able to send a text message. Yet, you keep hearing stories how some people send 7,000 text messages a month. No, that wasn’t a typo, seven THOUSAND. Out of that 7,000 I bet you half of them were something short and stupid like, LOL or Hi. You know, in the time you tried to have a conversation over text messaging you could have just called the person. Your 300 count conversation could have been shrunk down to a few minutes on the phone.

I sometimes heard that sending a text message is faster. Bullshit, I can talk WAY faster than you can type on your phone. Calling is so much easier, sending a text message explaining something can be impossible. You need to sometimes actually TALK to someone to get a point across. Another thing is when people text me when I am driving to go pick them up or something. Well good job asshole, I can’t really respond because I am driving. If you call me I will answer because I can just put you on speaker and not have to look at a shitty phone while driving.

Now, don’t call me an idiot. I do my research on hipsters and I know that text mesaging is more popular with girls, or that girls make guys text. I tell you this, if your girlfriend doesn’t want to talk over the phone then there is something wrong with her. Don’t be a pussy, call her and talk to her if you really like her.

So what did we learn today? Unless you are at work, or taking a shit there is no need to send a text message. Just call the person and have a conversation with them!

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So here I am today wearing a black t-shirt and a pair of jeans from Walmart. To some people that statement alone will send them on a long arguement on how I support evil corportations that use child labour. First of all, fuck you. Second of all boycotting Walmart isn’t going to stop child labour because WALMART DOESNT FUCKING MAKE THE CLOTHES. You people don’t know the concept of a store do you? It’s a place where they sell shit not make shit. Saying you can solve child labour by not buying stuff is like saying that you can feed kids without food.

A lot of people are also forgetting, that these kids aren’t “slaves.” They weren’t captures by Chinese leaders and be forced to make shoes for Nike. These kids have no families, no money, and no home. Here in Canada we have orphanages that sometimes take in these kids but 3rd World countries just don’t have that. The kids try to get money so they find work somewhere. Sure, the work is a pain in the ass because they hardly get paid. But if these sweatshops get closed down then how the hell will the kids support themselves? They will die or get leprosy, but I guess that is WAY better than getting paid like shit.

Oh, before I end this post I will leave you something to ponder about: Isn’t child acting a form of child labour?